I Heart Donkeys

Wednesday, March 23, 2005

Bits

Do you ever find that the blogs with the most graphics and extra things to them are the ones with the least actual content? And really, how do I edit the links on the side? It's too tricky for me. It's been a weird day. I was woken (at the crack of dawn, thanks for that) this morning to some scary news. But I fall asleep pretty easily.. woke up later and watched Runaway Bride, which admittedly, isn't a great film. There doesn't seem to be any heart to it. But there's something about it that strikes a chord with me.. it's her inability to decide. The egg thing though, more than the groom issue. I was thinking last night (or maybe it was in a dream, I'm not too sure) and in my head I was thinking of a way to write/explain what I'm trying to say here, but I think something was lost between last night and right now though. So it's going to come out jumbled: It's like, my whole life I've been afraid. To make decisions. To have an opinion of my own. To really believe in something. To show some part of me. I can remember in high school, I was always left out of those really intimate girly sessions where you confess your crushes and things, because I never wanted to tell anyone who I liked, afraid of the reactions - I remember once, I was attracted to this really geeky guy, who never had a girlfriend or anything, but I liked his smile and he made me laugh. I never told anyone I liked him, even my best friend at the time, even after she said she fancied him. Once, I was in the car with my dad, and we were going to go somewhere to eat, and have pie afterwards. He said I could decide what kind of pie. I just kept saying, whatever you want.. I didn't want to make the wrong choice. But really, how can there be a wrong choice? Even now, deciding between Pizza, Chinese and Indian for dinner is too hard sometimes. I'll try and make a choice, and if it seems like I made the wrong choice, I'll backstep and say 'no really, whatever you want' instead of committing. What is wrong with me? These are all little non-important things, I see that, but taken as a whole... Am I making too much out of this? I worry too much about what other people think, and that fear stays with me for everything that I do. I used to hate the 'What's your favourite..' question. I could never make up my mind. And now, here is something I do know: My favourite kind of pie is blackberry. Who's with me? But seriously, everything. I don't like telling people where I bought my clothes, thinking they'll think it's not a good store to buy stuff. I've never liked letting other people read the stories I had written, afraid of their reactions. I never want to have a party, because I'd die agonising over who's having a good time or not. I don't like deciding what to do on my birthday. I don't speak up for myself. I don't let people in.

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