I Heart Donkeys

Wednesday, March 30, 2005

Hard Hard Hard

It is so damn hard to keep this secret. I'm going to crack, I know I am.

Monday, March 28, 2005

Oh hell

Christ, is it hard for me to keep myself busy. You left, and then what was I supposed to do with myself? I tried cleaning, and I lost concentration, tried checking my email, but as usual, I didn't get any. Quickly lost interest in the internet, music - tried the Norah Jones CD bought the other day, but only made it through 4-5 tracks. Took a nap, which is about the only thing I did that lasted a significant amount of time. (Why am I so tired lately? I need to look out my diet as well, because I keep getting dizzy spells when I get up) Rearranged a few things in the house, made dinner (made too much. Spaghetti and Quorn meatballs) watched a lame movie (Down To You). Wait for your phone call. Wait for you to come back.

Sunday, March 27, 2005

Honestly, I Can't Believe It..

Seriously, what is wrong with McDonalds? The one time you go in for breakfast, fully expecting a Big Breakfast like you've always had for years, and they no longer sell it. I understand that they're trying to come up with new healthier options, but what about all of us who only want the Big Breakfasts? What are we left with? I had to settle for second best, and I am not too happy. This calls for a protest. Or something.
Oh, and Happy Easter! Hope you all got lots of chocolate eggs like I did. And YAY for the amount of stage time Donkey got today - he was second on, and saved the day. Plus, he really proved his superior dancing skills. Really impressed... :)

Friday, March 25, 2005

I Hate You

Let me just say, first - I hate you for leaving me. There, that's done. It's strange, I used to love being alone. Since I was - I don't know - 11? my family used to leave me and go off to wrestling tournaments on the weekends, and I remember the time that my brother made Western Regionals and some other big event, and they went off to Utah, or South Dakota or wherever and left me at home to fend for myself. It never bothered me too much (well, sure deep down) but I mean it didn't scare me. I'd leave the computer on (and spod all weekend or however long) and leave the radio or TV on so in some small way it seemed like I wasn't actually on my own. I'd have a good time though. Sure, a little lonely and not a great situation thinking back now, but I could think of worse. I enjoyed doing what I wanted. It's different this time. I'm not that same 11 year old girl. Things in my life are so much different and better.. and the same. Deep down, I never want to be left alone, or feel (more) abandonment.

Wednesday, March 23, 2005

Bits

Do you ever find that the blogs with the most graphics and extra things to them are the ones with the least actual content? And really, how do I edit the links on the side? It's too tricky for me. It's been a weird day. I was woken (at the crack of dawn, thanks for that) this morning to some scary news. But I fall asleep pretty easily.. woke up later and watched Runaway Bride, which admittedly, isn't a great film. There doesn't seem to be any heart to it. But there's something about it that strikes a chord with me.. it's her inability to decide. The egg thing though, more than the groom issue. I was thinking last night (or maybe it was in a dream, I'm not too sure) and in my head I was thinking of a way to write/explain what I'm trying to say here, but I think something was lost between last night and right now though. So it's going to come out jumbled: It's like, my whole life I've been afraid. To make decisions. To have an opinion of my own. To really believe in something. To show some part of me. I can remember in high school, I was always left out of those really intimate girly sessions where you confess your crushes and things, because I never wanted to tell anyone who I liked, afraid of the reactions - I remember once, I was attracted to this really geeky guy, who never had a girlfriend or anything, but I liked his smile and he made me laugh. I never told anyone I liked him, even my best friend at the time, even after she said she fancied him. Once, I was in the car with my dad, and we were going to go somewhere to eat, and have pie afterwards. He said I could decide what kind of pie. I just kept saying, whatever you want.. I didn't want to make the wrong choice. But really, how can there be a wrong choice? Even now, deciding between Pizza, Chinese and Indian for dinner is too hard sometimes. I'll try and make a choice, and if it seems like I made the wrong choice, I'll backstep and say 'no really, whatever you want' instead of committing. What is wrong with me? These are all little non-important things, I see that, but taken as a whole... Am I making too much out of this? I worry too much about what other people think, and that fear stays with me for everything that I do. I used to hate the 'What's your favourite..' question. I could never make up my mind. And now, here is something I do know: My favourite kind of pie is blackberry. Who's with me? But seriously, everything. I don't like telling people where I bought my clothes, thinking they'll think it's not a good store to buy stuff. I've never liked letting other people read the stories I had written, afraid of their reactions. I never want to have a party, because I'd die agonising over who's having a good time or not. I don't like deciding what to do on my birthday. I don't speak up for myself. I don't let people in.

Tuesday, March 22, 2005

Bored

It's interesting to see how long things last.. I'm a little tired of updating this blog already. After what? Not even two weeks? Helps that no one looks at it. It's hard to come up with something to write every day, especially when you know things really can't be that interesting all the time. I've nearly finished my book Ark Angel. I kept getting 10-12 year old boys coming into the store all excited asking for the book, and they were pretty surprised when I said I was reading it. I really loved all the books in the series, and this one was pretty good as well. You really need to suspend your disbelief though, and try not to tell other people what's going on as you're reading it (try to contain the loud dramatic gasps so other people around you won't ask) because if they do, you'll end up looking really sad (sadder, I mean, like me) when you have to tell them 'Well, the main character - a 14 year old boy, working for MI6, who's just gotten out of a major surgery is trying to tightrope walk to escape from a burning building fifteen stories up without a safety net, in in his bare feet balancing a pole to get away from ecoterrorists who want to kill him. Oh and a explosion nearly knocks him off balance... Yeah. Mmhmm. Fantastic book though, highly recommend. Today was a nice lazy day, with birthday festivities (Happy birthday!) Wanted to go for a daytrip, but it was all wet and rainy. I liked the day anyway, it was relaxed, and nice to just sit at home and watch card tricks (and watch Roswell!) Just watched Teen Wolf, it's been a long, long time since I'd seen that. :) Got the day off tomorrow as well..

Sunday, March 20, 2005

Sleepyhead

Oh christ, am I tired. I know I shouldn't have just slept for two hours, but I did. Right in the middle of the day, which means I'm fucked tonight. It was a nice weekend though.. Love having Saturdays off. We went to Osterley Park and kicked around a football, and threw a frisbee. I love frisbees now. I don't remember ever having one as a child. Great fun. We took some really cheesy photos and had a laugh, it was nice. Wasn't too hot or anything. Then we went to Tony Roma's for dinner - I've always maintained that I don't like ribs, and turns out I do :( The messiness of it, and the hassle of the bones .. shit. Ate too much (what a surprise) but the desserts were lovely. Afterwards, we went bowling! It's been years since I've been bowling. (woohoo the girls kicked ass) Who says bowling's not fun? I don't want to go back to work tomorrow. I've got two days off, but I'm working Good Friday and Easter Saturday :( No long weekend for me. I'm sure I'm being punished for something.

Friday, March 18, 2005

Too Much

Oh my god, I've had so much food. Tasty, but far too much. I'm so glad it's the end of the week. I finally have a weekend off! I'm really excited as well - the Bookseller came out today, with a special kid's edition (oh Christ, how incredibly sad am I that these are the things I'm excited about) and there are a load of new books I'm looking forward to - Ark Angel by Anthony Horowitz, the new one by Philip Reeve (I can't remember it off the top of my head) Eldest by Christopher Paolini.. oh there were loads more, but I was too busy trying not to let anyone see I was reading my magazine on the shopfloor to make a note of them. I was stuck without a book on my lunch break, so ended up reading more of 'To Die For' a book about a woman's struggle through anorexia. It's a little harrowing to read, and brought back memories. Not surprisingly, I struggled with an eating disorder when I was in my teens. Sad really, my family (my dad) didn't really notice. Didn't notice that I wasn't eating, didn't notice me blacking out because of the lack of food, or how depressed I was. We spent a long time living in the same house but not really seeing the other people. I had my section of the house, my brother had his, as did my dad. Kitchen being mostly shared. I don't remember when we stopped being a proper family.

Thursday, March 17, 2005

Ten Fifteen

It's now 10:15 and I can't really be bothered to write anything much. I had planned on writing a nice long blog about families and how weird and dysfunctional they can be (especially mine) but really I just want to curl up and go to sleep. Looking forward to the weekend.. and trying to set up a bookclub. I don't think I know enough people, but I'd think it'd be fun to do. I'm thinking it's been at least a week since I've done any studying, and why am I so tired lately? It can't be just all the physical stuff from work, because we stopped days ago. The same music has been playing at work for the past 4 days probably, and if I hear that Joni Mitchell CD or Madonna's Immaculate Collection another time I'm just going to scream. (Currently stuck in my head is Like A Virgin) It's strange how other people's CDs that get played over and over again don't irritate me half as much as mine do. It's been at least fourteen months since I've heard from or spoken to my father, what a depressing thought.

Wednesday, March 16, 2005

Comments

Wow, people are commenting. Thanks guys. I feel a little special. First, I have no idea who Bruce Robinson is, but I'll look him up and keep the music suggestions coming in.. :)
And to WhoamI, no it wasn't your blog with the too much text-speak, don't worry :) I don't think I should complain about other bloggers anymore actually, save on the confusion. As far as Anonymous's comment goes, it hurt reading it, but maybe there's some truth in it as well - not so much about who we were bothing talking about, but the stuff about me being secretive and self-centred. I know it was written out of anger, but (maybe?) at least partly based in fact. I would consider myself self-centred, but there are people in my life who (I'm very thankful for!) who get to point out to me (daily?) that there are different ways of looking at things. So I'm working on that. The part about me being secretive I think is a theme for this week. That woman at the admin support interview said I held back.. not exactly the same, but fairly similar. It's been said before that I don't open up or let people in. It's a defense mechanism I'd say. I was reading a lot of blogs randomly the other day (using Next Blog, which I love) and found a bunch of people writing about their life experiences, and I was thinking how brave of them to open them up and share them with people (and the scary part for me - letting other people comment on them!) and it made me think, I don't really let people in on a lot of things that have happened to me which would explain why I do or don't do certain things. (Am I making a big muddle out of this blog? I probably am. ) But this is something I should change (the not opening up I mean) and who knows, maybe I'll let down some walls that I've built up. Only time will tell :)

Tuesday, March 15, 2005

Random Bits

I had my first ever migraine last night - not a fun experience. I could still sort of feel it this morning, like it hadn't completely gone away, like it was just biding its time before it struck again. I was frightened all morning. Anyway, it's been very exciting lately, I found out a really, really good friend from back home is moving to Europe this summer (YAY AGAIN) and I'm so looking forward to it... Even though I know it won't be that often that we see each other, and we'll still be pretty far apart, it's sort of comforting knowing she'll be somewhat close. I feel less ..alone. Does that make sense? It's not like I'm dying from loneliness, but I don't have that many close friends that I can talk to (why else would I start a blog?) and it somehow makes a difference that instead of being a hundred of thousands miles away, now she's only going to be thousands of miles away. I don't fully understand it myself, but it makes me happy. The other thing that surprised me, was we went to church the other day, before going to the party, and I'm not a religious person at all, but I really enjoyed going. Something about the whole experience was kind of calming, relaxing. Doing the responses all together, and reading along with the passages, made me feel better. And I find it a little strange. That's all :)

Monday, March 14, 2005

Oh Well

So I didn't get the job this morning. The woman said I held back. What does that mean? And how is that going to help for the future? Who cares, I don't anymore. I got home, and fell asleep almost straight away, right in the middle of watching When A Man Loves a Woman. I love that film, it always makes me cry. I don't know what to do with myself now. I know if I go back to sleep, I'll feel terrible later. There's always shit on TV, don't feel like watching anything except the last episode of Roswell (series 1) and I finished my book. It was OK - it was Knife Edge by Malorie Blackman. There's something I don't really like about the way she writes, but not enough to put me off her books. Not that I've read many, just this one, Noughts and Crosses and Hacker. I preferred Noughts and Crosses. There's the third in the trilogy coming out this summer, and I'll probably read it as well but I haven't gotten that enthusiastic about it yet like I do with other books. I tried looking at other people's websites using that 'Next Blog' button, and the 10 Most Recently Updated section, but I couldn't find anything that really sparked my attention. I found two things depressing about it - the first, that there are so many other people out there who have things that they're passionate about, whether it be art, or sport, politics, their children - just whatever that fill up their blogs. I don't have that. I write about me, and not in a very interesting way either. The other thing was how terribly people write. I hate this whole text-message way people write. Like they're all too busy to type out the letters. I wonder if I'll ever be able to stop complaining? Maybe some high energy dance music will help. I'll keep you posted. :)

Sunday, March 13, 2005

Stuff.

I'd say I'm a pretty open person. I don't mind sharing stuff with other people, and I find I tend to overshare a lot of the times.. but there are always certain things I'd prefer if no one really knew about. Which is understandable, right? Everyone needs some privacy. But there's someone in my life who can't accept that. And it's really fucking me off right now. She knew I was hoping to get a job, and I purposely didn't tell her when the interview was. I don't want or need the pressure of letting everyone know afterwards if I got the job or not. Why should I have to deal with that? Instead of leaving it at that, she asks my husband questions and through no fault of his own, he tells her my interview is this week. Today, she asks me if I'm working tomorrow, and when I say no, I assume she puts two and two together to mean that my interview is tomorrow. But she doesn't say anything about it to me, which must mean she knows that I don't want her to know, and instead of keeping it to herself, she tells her daughter, who then wishes me good luck. Instead of thinking, what's wrong with that, people who want to wish me luck and whatever, I'm thinking of the sneakiness of it all. Asking the right questions to find out what she wanted to know. If I wanted to tell anyone about my interview, I would have told them, and not left her to tell them. What right or business does she have to tell people what goes on in my life? Especially when I didn't come right out and tell her. I hate families on days like today.

Dancing Queen

Just got home from a friend's birthday/housewarming party, and it went pretty well actually. I say 'actually' because I didn't think I'd enjoy it very much, as I didn't know the majority of the people and I don't tend to like those sort of situations. Was pulled onto the dance floor thankfully (I always have to be dragged, but once up there have a fantastic time) and really enjoyed myself :) It almost better that I didn't know most of the people, or else I probably wouldn't have danced at all, so yay for interesting Saturday nights!

Friday, March 11, 2005

Red Nose Day

Today was really, really exhuasting. I can't wait for my two weeks off (at the end of April, beginning of May, we're going to New York) to get away from work. It saps so much energy (and possibly enthusiasm) from me. It comes to me in flashes how much I love and despise my job. Today was all right though, hard work but a little fun too. It's Red Nose Day, and even though the store is doing the main part of it tomorrow instead of today, I still tried to inject red wherever I could. I even started doodling red noses on people's credit card slips before they signed it. It kept me amused anyway. And I fashioned a cute red ribbon belt. Handy tip for the future: nail polish doesn't survive well working in a store, especially on days when you're moving every shelf possible. At least it's Friday and the weekend is ahead of me. I actually have plans which is quite surprising. There's a housewarming/birthday party tomorrow and a get together at a friend's house on Sunday. I bet it'll be the weekend when I just end up thinking I wish I was at home with my feet up and that book...

Thursday, March 10, 2005

Yay!

There was an article in the Independent yesterday about the top literaty characters, and someone had the sense enough to include the donkey. I'm impressed. Anyway, it was an exhuasting day. I came home and had a hot long bath. It's funny, whenever I use the computer I end up queuing like two hours worth of music onto Media Player even though I only intend to use it for half an hour or whatever. Tracy Chapman and Sarah McLachlan have been getting lots of play time of late, but I need some new music, I just listen to the same stuff over and over again. Suggestions? (I feel safe in the knowledge that no one but me will ever look at this page, but I'm happy in my delusions) I just finished a really good book, and now I have that weird feeling afterwards where it's strange adjusting to not being inside the book I'm reading. Does that make sense? I don't know how else to describe it. The book has a sequel, and I went out of my way in my lunch break to pick it up from the library, but reading a sequel to a book I really liked straight afterwards doesn't normally work for me. Even if I'm desperate to know what happens, something puts me off it.. You can't really get back into it in the same way. Maybe it's just the books I choose though. I don't feel ashamed telling people I read a lot of children's books, but I can't stand the reaction that I get to it. What's wrong with children's books?

Wednesday, March 09, 2005

Getting Started

I started my first entry yesterday but managed to hit the wrong button and lost it. So I'll have to start again. The first is always the hardest for me anyway, and now I can start with the second.. or something like that :)
It's been a tiring day. I just didn't feel like work today. It felt like Monday (I had the day off yesterday) and Mondays are no good. We had a lot to do, so not so good. Lots to do and a bunch of laziness together. Had some right awful customers as well. One woman plonked her books on the counter, while she was on the phone. Then made weird head gestures to one side. There I am, staring at her blankly. Get off the phone woman, I don't know what you want. So I ask her questions - just these two books? (No) Were you looking for anything else? (Yes) And they're over here? (She points to the windows) Do you happen to know the titles of the book you're after? (Points to the left) It's on the left hand side of the window? (OH FOR FUCK'S SAKE GET OFF THE DAMN PHONE.) I hate people most of the time. How can people not know how rude it is to be on the phone when you go to the till anywhere? And why are they rude when all we're trying to do is our job? These customers are coming to US to be served and not the other way around.